The Hobbit on Facebook
by aotearoan
Summary: What happened before the Lord of the Rings characters joined Facebook? Fifty years before, when Facebook was still new and exclusive, Bilbo Baggins made an account... Prequel to Fellowship of the Facebook/Two Notifications/Return of the Friend Request
1. An unexpected event invitation

**The Facebook of Westermarsh**

So I got impatient waiting for the Hobbit film, so I hacked Bilbo's facebook account to bring you this! This all happened about fifty years before the events in _The Lord of the Rings_, so really Bilbo should be using something more old-school (like a myspace page?) however Facebook works the best so Facebook it shall be.

Just what I need - another fanfiction when I'm already so slack at updating. Oh well, reviews = motivation! Thanks very much to those kind reviewers who encouraged the Hobbit version, the most recent being Daisymall!

Some dialogue (mis)quoted from Tolkien's _The Hobbit_. I don't own any thing of Tolkien's.

_Bilbo Baggins__ is on Facebook. _

Bilbo Baggins: This is great! I can talk to people all day, without leaving my comfortable hobbit hole! I can even talk with my mouth full. Truly, Facebook is made for Hobbits.

_Bilbo Baggins__ is now _friends_ with __Hamfast Gamgee __and 473 other hobbits. _

_Bilbo Baggins__ is now _grudgingly on speaking term_s with __Lobelia Sackville-Baggins_

_Bilbo Baggins__ listed __Lobelia Sackville Baggins __ as his _confounded relative.

Bilbo Baggins: LOL at how complex they had to make the 'list your relations' feature for the Hobbit version of Facebook.

_Twenty-Three Hobbits like this_

Hamfast Gamgee: They have a long way to go yet, they've only got so far as 'second-cousin twice removed' but it doesn't say as whether it's on your mam's side or your dad's.

Bilbo Baggins: Yes, but they've only just introduced it- I expect they'll get it sorted out in the next update.

_Hamfast Gamgee __is now playing __Arda Farms__ and __Garden Online!_

Bilbo Baggins: What a fine morning for blowing smoke rings! Very proud of my smoke rings :)

_Bilbo Baggins_ _added '_fancy handwriting, fancy waist-coasts, breakfasts, walking, old runes and maps, pipeweed, smoke rings, elevenses, Facebook and dinners' _to his interests. _

_Bilbo Baggins__ commented on his interests: _but not adventures. Nasty, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!

_Hamfast Gamgee__ added '_Gardening, potatoes, wine, hobbit sense' _to his interests._

Bilbo Baggins _changed his location to_ 'A Hole in the Ground, Bag End, Hobbiton, the Shire..'

Bilbo Baggins _commented on his location_: not a nasty, dirty, wet hole of course

Hamfast Gamgee: what's so unusual about living in a hole in the ground? Nothing wrong with that. That's good hobbit-sense

Lobelia Sackville Baggins: And one day, it will be MY hole.

Bilbo Baggins: I wish I'd never started this talk of holes... Most uncomfortable.

_Bilbo Baggins__ is now friends with __A Strange Old Man_

_Bilbo Baggins __wrote on __A Strange Old Man__'s wall: _Good morning!

_A Strange Old Man __wrote on __Bilbo Baggins' __wall: _Do you mean that you think that this morning is good, or that this is a morning to do good in, or that you are wishing me a good morning whether I want it or not?

_Bilbo Baggins__ wrote on__ A Strange Old Man's__ wall: _Why, all of them at once!

Bilbo Baggins: It was such a nice morning for smoke rings... now everything's getting a bit weird :(

_A Strange Old Man __changed his name to__ Gandalf! _

Bilbo Baggins: Not _the _Gandalf? WTF? FML.

_Bilbo Baggins__ added '_Gandalf!'s fireworks' _to his interests. _

_Gandalf!__ likes this. _

_Gandalf! __commented on Bilbo's Interests:___Well, at least you remember my fireworks kindly.

_Bilbo Baggins__ invited __Gandalf__ to the event _'Gandalf Tea Wednesday.'

Bilbo Baggins: time for a little calming something to eat...

_Hamfast Gamgee__ likes this. _

_Gandalf! __hacked __Bilbo Baggins'__ facebook account and changed his name to_ Bilbo Baggins the Burglar

_Gandalf__! changed the name of the event "_Gandalf Tea Wednesday_' to '_Meeting of Conspirators'

_Gandalf! __invited __Thorin Oakenshield__ and twelve other friends to the event '_Meeting of Conspirators'.

Bilbo Baggins the Burglar: What happened? I sound like something out of a happy families game.

Hamfast Gamgee: I like the Hobbit version of that game- it can go on for hours.

_Bilbo Baggins the Burglar __changed his name to __Bilbo Baggins._

Bilbo Baggins: Oh, crap. It's awful when you make an event, and you forget to list it as 'private', and suddenly twelve people show up and have a party on your lawn.

Hamfast Gamgee: That's not something you've done since you were an irresponsible tweenager.

Bilbo Baggins: Oh goodness! Uninvited dwarves!

_Bilbo Baggins__ is now friends with __Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur __and especially __Thorin Oakenshield._

Bilbo Baggins: this IS an unexpected party. Confusticate and bebother these party guests!

_Thirteen dwarves__ added 'mysterious music about gold and dragons' to their music_

_Bilbo Baggins__ joined the group 'Adventuring Party'_

Bilbo Baggins: it might be quite nice to wear a sword instead of a walking stick... I think I'm feeling a little Tookish ..

Gandalf!: Strange... why should the word 'Took' fill me with foreboding? As if it's going to cause me all sorts of trouble later on?

_Thirteen dwarves__ like 'the dark'__._

Bilbo Baggins: AAArgh! Struck by lightening! This is all too much for me!

Gloin: That hobbit looks more like a grocer than a burglar.

Gandalf!: I have chosen Mr Baggins to join your treasure-hunting expedition, and that ought to be enough for you!

Gloin: well, all right. If you insist.

_Bilbo Baggins __listed Bullroarer__ Took__ as his great-great-great-grand-uncle._

_Gandalf!__ gave __Thorin Oakenshield__ 'A Map With A Secret Entrance'_

_Thorin Oakenshield __ likes this. _

Bilbo Baggins: ooh, I do have a hangover. What happened last night?

Bilbo Baggins: I joined a treasure-hunting expedition? To steal gold from a dragon? I'm never inviting dwarves around again!

_Hamfast Gamgee __disapproves of this._

Bilbo Baggins: I forgot my pocket-handkerchief!


	2. Great, Now We Can't Eat Them!

The Author: would like to thank everyone for the kind reviews - some of them are funnier than the fan fic itself (The Author likes AA Pessimal and Hamfast Gamgee's status updates)

The Author would like to state that she does not own or intend to profit from anything of Tolkien's (or whoever else I reference). Some dialogue lifted from _The Hobbit _(Unwin 1976 version: falling apart!).

Ha, The Hobbit is so different from LOTR. I love the bit where everyone's grumpy because it's raining and they're hungry and Gandalf's disappeared. It says: "Then the rain began to pour down worse than ever, and Oin and Gloin began to fight".

I love how casually this is mentioned, and how everyone else seems to ignore it. Is it a full on physical fight, I'd love to know?

In LOTR everyone would be all "Hold your peace! Sauron seeks to divide us!' and 'if you insult *my ancestors/the lady Galadriel/etc etc* I will smite you!* . In _The Hobbit_, the fighting is no big deal. Everyone just wants something to eat. I guess that's why it's called _The Hobbit._

**********************XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX***************************

_Hamfast Gamgee__ wrote on __Bilbo Baggins__' wall_**: **whyever did you leave the Shire?

Bilbo Baggins: I'm beginning to wonder that myself...

**Bombur****: I'm hungry! Lunch time!**

_Bilbo Baggins__ likes this_

**Lobelia Sackville-Baggins: ****if the silly old fool's disappeared, I for one don't intend to stand by and let that lovely hobbit hole rot!**

Hamfast Gamgee: Here, he left this morning and it's only lunch time! Probably just gone for a walk.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins: probably consorting with strange folk... dwarves... trolls... wizards! It's the Took side coming through.

**Bilbo Baggins:****meals aren't coming quite as often as I should like, but perhaps adventures aren't so bad after all. **

_Dwalin __leant __Bilbo Baggins __a dark green cloak and hood_

**Bilbo Baggins****: at least I won't be mistaken for a dwarf, as I have no beard.**

**Thorin Oakenshield: ****thinking of changing my name to 'the Great Thorin Oakenshield'. After all, it's what everyone's thinking anyway.**

**Bilbo Baggins: ****what is it with beards? Suddenly I'm surrounded by them!**

Bofur: Yes, you are a very lucky hobbit.

Bifur: Although beardless, and thus to be pitied.

_Thorin Oakenshield listed Fili and Kili as his cousins_

Kili: Don't you mean nephews?

Thorin Oakenshield: cousins, nephews, whatever... you should be honoured to be listed as my relative at all!

**Fili**** It's Friday, Friday, Friday**

Kili: lol

Nori: Did you HAVE to get that song stuck in my head? Mahal's hammer! I'll get you for this!

**Ori:**** It's raining!**

**Bilbo Baggins: ****bother burgling and everything to do with it!**

_Gloin __listed __Gimli __as his son. _

Gloin: One day he'll be all grown up and having his own adventures!

Thorin Oakenshield: Though I doubt they'll be as dramatic and important as this quest... the thirteen dwarves (and one burglar) will be renowned in song and story! There won't be anything dangerous left for Gimli to quest about!

Gloin: Well, of course. What could be more important then recovering our ancient stronghold?

Gimli: DAD! It's sooo embarrassing when your parents add you on Facebook! ): Anyway the Lonely Mountain is like sooo old skool.

Gloin: you watch your mouth! My apologies for my rude son; he's only sixty.

**Gandalf!**** I think it's time to disappear. **

Balin: Disappear! I thought you were coming with us on this quest!

Dwalin: I suppose it's OK, as long as he doesn't make a habit of it.

Nori: and just when a wizard would have been most useful, too!

Bifur: we'll be doing pretty well if the most we need a wizard for is lighting a supper-fire in the rain!

**Gandalf!:**** *is enigmatic***

_Gandalf! __likes this_

_Nobody else__ likes this._

**Fili****: Thanks very much, stupid ponies, for running into the river and nearly drowning us.**

**Kili:**** I HATE HORSES. AND ALSO RIVERS.**

Balin: All right, no need to shout.

_Gloin__ started a fight with __Oin_

_Lobelia Sackville-Baggins__ listed __Bilbo Baggins__ as her __Nearest relative especially when it comes to inheritance._

**Balin:**** sees a light!**

Bofur: now is not really the time for religious epiphanies.

Balin: literally, you fool!

**Bilbo Baggins**: **what if they're trolls?**

Thorin Oakenshield: Don't be paranoid. Where there's flame, there's not necessarily inflammatory comments!

Nori but Gandalf has buggered off again! And he's the closest we've got to a moderator!

**Tom the Troll: ****Mutton today, mutton yesterday, and blimey if it don't look like mutton again tomorrer. **

Bert the Troll: Never a blinkin' bit of manflesh have we had for long enough

William the Troll: Stop complaining! Isn't a cameo in a book as famous as this worth a few days of mutton?

Bert the Troll: I dunno, Bill. I got a bad feeling about this.

**Bilbo Baggins:**** Three giant, man-eating trolls! Perfect for my first attempt at burglary!**

_Bilbo Baggins__ picked __William the Troll's __pocket using REALLY STUPID IDEAS._

_William the Troll__ caught __Bilbo Baggins __using__TROLL POWER._

_Bilbo Baggins__ doesn't like this._

**Bilbo Baggins:****don't eat me! I cook better than I cook!**

William the Troll: What kind of confounded logic is that?

Bert the Troll: No idea. Let's roast the smartarse!

William the Troll: awww, poor little thing. Let's not eat him after all!

Tom the Troll: Come off it, Bill. He's free range! He's had a happy life.

Bert the Troll: Dwarves! I hates dwarves - uncooked!

_Thorin Oakenshield__ poked__ Bert the Troll __in the eye with a flaming branch using __SUPERPOKE_

Bert the Troll: isn't that a little violent for a kid's book?

_Gandalf! __used wizardly ventriloquy on __Bert the Troll__, __William the Troll__ and __Tom the Troll__._

**Bilbo Baggins:**** aww man! The trolls turned to stone. We can't eat them now :(**

Bombur: EAT them? But you're small!

Gloin: Yes, Hobbits are very short. Lucky us Dwarves aren't touchy about height.

Thorin Oakenshield: well, Gandalf, you're right that hobbits are full of surprises, but I for one am not too sure that this is a good thing.


	3. A Wizard Wrapped in an Enigma

Dear few remaining readers, I know this update has been ridiculously delayed. Sorry! Thank you all for your kind reviews, favourites or simply reading it. I don't really have an excuse, but I've swapped having a dissertation but no internet for having internet but no dissertation, so hopefully things will improve.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXX

_Thorin Oakenshield __wrote on__ Gandalf!'s__ wall:_** Where on Middle Earth were you?**

Gandalf!: Looking ahead.

Nori: What brought you back in the nick of time?

Gandalf!: Looking behind.

**Oin: ****You'll never get accurate information out of a wizard determined to be enigmatic. **

Gandalf!: A wizard is never enigmatic. Nor is he informative. He reveals precisely what he means to.

Dwalin: You're acting like the bad guy who betrays everyone at the end, and everyone's like 'we should have seen this coming, remember how he kept MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARING and then returning AT EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT?'

_Gandalf! __set fire to __Dwalin's __beard using Inexplicable Wizard Powers._

Balin: See, Dwalin, what did I tell you? Wizards are quick to anger, and not very subtle.

Gandalf!: Well, if you insist, I met some of Elrond's people. They told me there were trolls in the area; I came back and rescued you. Now I wish I hadn't bothered.

Gloin: Elrond's people? This isn't something to do with… elves… is it?

**Gloin: ****Trolls, Elves… whatever next? I'm almost looking forward to meeting a dragon after all this lot.**

**Ori: ****is having an identity crisis. I can never remember which dwarf I am :(**

Fili Thorinsnephew: I know exactly how you feel.

Nori: You're the ugly one.

_Ori __and __Nori __are no longer friends. _

Dori: You two are an embarrassment.

_Fili__Thorinsnephew, Kili__Thorinsnephew, Oin, Gloin, Balin, Dwalin, Ori, Dori __and __Nori __joined the group 'Having Rhyming Names doesn't Mean We're the Same'_

Bofur: It pretty much does, sorry. We _uniquely-named_ dwarves never bother to tell you apart.

Bifur: Hey, your group name rhymes! Is that intentional?

Professor Tolkien: Perfectly valid names. Perfectly legitimate naming system. Don't know what you're complaining about.

**Bombur: ****I'm hungry**

_Bilbo Baggins __likes this._

**Gandalf!: I will never again go adventuring with ungrateful dwarves.**

Bilbo Baggins:  Ha!

_Lobelia Sackville-Baggins __changed her location to __Bag-End_

_Hamfast Gamgee __disapproves of this. _

_Thorin Oakenshield, Bilbo Baggins __and __Gandalf!__ started playing Troll Treasure Hunt_

_Thorin Oakenshield __and __Gandalf! __received __Mysterious Runic Blades __in Troll Treasure Hunt_

_Gandalf! scored a new high score in Troll Treasure Hunt_

_Bilbo Baggins __received __Quite a Small Sword __in Troll Treasure Hunt. _

**Bilbo Baggins: ****Has a sword! **

Thorin Oakenshield: Don't worry, Mr Burglar, there will be no occasion for you to use it. We'll do all the hard work: You can rely on us to take care of you.

_Gandalf! added 'maybe being enigmatic' to his interests. _

**Gandalf!: ****was sure that Rivendell was around here somewhere… **

Bilbo Baggins: Rivendell?

Gandalf: The Last Homely House

Bilbo Baggins: Last? Last before what? The last before the end of our adventure?

Gandalf!: I've never met a burglar who asked so many confounded questions.

**Bilbo Baggins: ****Elves! Good gracious me.**

_Thirteen dwarves don't like this._

Gloin: They're extremely ill-mannered. And none of them have beards! I'm just glad my son isn't here to be corrupted by their strange ways. He's at an impressionable age.

_Bilbo Baggins __added 'Elvish singing under the moon in June' to his interests. _

_Elrond Half-Elven __added 'Disapproving of Dwarves', 'Disapproving of Treasure', 'Reminiscing' and 'Disapproving of Mortals' to his interests. _

_Elrond Half-Elven __added 'Giving Advice' to his interests. _

**Thorin Oakenshield: ****Totally unfair. I should have been the one to discover the secret moon-letters on this map!**

Bilbo Baggins: Ooh, what do they say? How exciting!

_Bilbo Baggins __became a fan of Rivendell. _

**Gandalf!: ****LOL Elrond always makes me laugh. Nobody with those eyebrows should wear so much purple. **

_Elrond Half-Elven __added 'Disapproving of Gandalf' to his interests. _

**Bilbo Baggins: ****Is **_**that**_** the Lonely Mountain?**

Gandalf!: LOL Hobbits.

Bilbo Baggins: Well, I should like to know! Is it?

Balin: No, it's just the Misty Mountains. Full of wargs. Orcs. Storms. Hypothermia.

Dwalin: I'm sure Gandalf will get us safely across. What could go wrong?

_Gandalf!__ created the group 'Overheard While Questing' and added __Thirteen Dwarves __to the group._

_Gandalf!__ wrote on the wall of the group 'Overheard while Questing': _Things Hobbits say, LOL. Bilbo thought the Misty Mountains were the Lonely Mountain! LMHO.

Fili Thorinsnephew: LMHO?

Dori: Let Me Hit Ori?

Kili Thorinsnephew: Lonely Mountain Hobbit Oglers?

Bombur: I think it means 'Laugh My Hat Off', because that's what Gandalf just did.

**Bilbo Baggins: ****People who are more than an Age old shouldn't use LOL.**


	4. Extremely Dwarfist

Dear readers, thank you so much for your kind and helpful reviews. Again, I'm so sorry for the delay in posting. I resolve to do better.

I've just seen the Hobbit movie – what did everyone think? There goes my attempt to follow the book without being influenced by the movie, but I'll do my best.

Happy New Year!

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX

**Bilbo Baggins:**** I love being stuck on a mountain ledge with thirteen bickering dwarves and a grumpy wizard, in a storm, with giants throwing rocks at each other. It's fantastic.**

Dwalin: I don't think it's fantastic at all!

Oin: Yes, but he is The Burglar. Maybe these sorts of situations are normal for him?

Gandalf Thegrey: Very literal minded, dwarves. Haven't got the hang of sarcasm yet.

**Thorin Oakenshield****: If I weren't so majestic, I'd feel a bit concerned about this situation. **

Fili Thorinsnephew: We should get off the Mountain!

Gloin: If we cannot go over the Mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the Mines of Moria.

Gandalf Thegrey: No! Not yet, at least.

Balin: Gloin's suggestion fills me with a strange foreboding …

Ori: Me too! And … and an urge to practice my handwriting.

**Kili Thorinsnephew:**** A cave! Shelter!**

Thorin Oakenshield: Have you explored it _thoroughly?_

Kili Thorinsnephew: Absolutely.

Thorin Oakenshield: But we're in a fantasy novel! We have to be extra careful about such things.

_Thorin Oakenshield__ changed his name to __Majestic Thorin__._

**Gandalf Thegrey****: Almost time for me to slip quietly away… **

_Several Nasty Goblins __invited your friends to the event __Unpleasant Goblin Soiree._

_Gandalf Thegrey is__ not attending._

**Majestic Thorin: Good job you thoroughly explored the cave, Fili and Kili!**

Bilbo Baggins: Ah, now you're getting the hang of sarcasm!

_The Great Goblin __joined Facebook_

_The Great Goblin __sent __Thorin's Company __a __Nasty Glare__ and some __Unpleasant Threats __using __Nasty Goblin Business. _

_Fourteen of your friends are at__ Goblin Town_

_Gandalf Thegrey __sent __Several Nasty Goblins __a __Blinding Flash __using __Inexplicable Wizard Powers_

_Gandalf Thegrey __and __The Great Goblin __are no longer friends._

_Gandalf Thegrey __sent __The Great Goblin __a __Beheading __using __Glamdring_

_The Great Goblin __left Facebook._

**Gandalf Thegrey:**** I feel like a school teacher on a field trip… I'm going to give these dwarves name-tags and make them number off. **

Majestic Thorin: I get to be number one!

Balin: Can't we wait to check facebook until after we run away?

Gandalf Thegrey: How can we run away properly if I don't know if you're all here? You do all look the same.

Oin: That's extremely dwarfist! All wizards look the same to us, I'll have you know!

Gandalf Thegrey: Yes, but there are only five of us, two of the five are missing, and we're colour-coded.

**Elrond Halfelven: **** I regret lending those dwarves my ponies… **

**Dori:**** Confound it, I've lost the Burglar!**

**Kili Thorinsnephew: Thank Durin we got away from those goblins… Still, I'm sure they'll be the last goblins we'll see on this journey!**

**Gandalf Thegrey: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BURGLAR?**

Dori: er…

Gandalf Thegrey: CONFUSTICATE, DRAT AND BEBOTHER YOU, DORI. ONE JOB, YOU HAD ONE JOB. HOW COULD YOU LOSE MY HOBBIT?

Dori: It's hardly my fault! Goblins everywhere, dark tunnel, and you nearly chopped my head off with Glamdring!

**Bilbo Baggins****: All alone in the dark goblin tunnels. Go back? Unwise. Stay here? No good at all. Only one thing for it – go on!**

**Bilbo Baggins****: Hmmm… what's this? Feels like a ring.**

_Bilbo Baggins__ changed his location to __Subterranean Pool_

_Bilbo Baggins __is now friends with __Gollum __and __Smeagol_

**_Gollum: _****_What is a... Baggins?_**

_Gollum __added __Sneaking;__riddles__; __the Preciou__s and __Fish __to his interests. _

_Smeagol __added __Boating __to his interests._

_Gollumand __Smeagol __challenged __Bilbo Baggins__ to a __Game of Riddles_

_Gollum__ set a new high score in __Game of Riddles_

Bilbo Baggins: Drat it. I shouldn't have asked him a riddle about fish.

**Bilbo Baggins: ****Time! Time!**

Gollum: Curssses it and bitess it, the Baggins guessssed the anssswer!

Bilbo Baggins: What a fortunate misunderstanding.

_Bilbo Baggins __wrote on __Smeagol__'s wall_

Bilbo Baggins: You sound like a tea-kettle.

Smeagol: Who?

Bilbo Baggins: Why, both of you, I suppose.

Bilbo Baggins set a new high score in Game of Riddles

**Gollum: ****Cursse it! We hatesss it! We hatesss it forever! The precious is lossst!**

**Bilbo Baggins:**** That awkward moment when you suddenly turn invisible…**

_Harry Potter __likes this._

JRR Tolkien: You don't belong here, Harry; get out!

**Bilbo Baggins:**** That awkward moment when a creature wants to eat you and your sense of self-preservation is outweighed by your sense of mercy. Hope I'm not going to regret this!**

_Bilbo Baggins __set a new high score in __Epic!_

**Bilbo Baggins****: I am bereft because my beautiful brass buttons burst. :( **

**Bilbo Baggins:**** Surprise!**

_Gandalf Thegrey __likes this._

**Gandalf Thegrey:** **No, I can't do it. I just can't stop mixing up these dwarves**

Gandalf Thegrey: If only you all wore different helmets… or braided your hair differently… or had personas. You could have… Fighting Dwarf, Gimli's Dad Dwarf, and Chamomile Tea Dwarf. And maybe… Sexy Dwarf? No, no, that's just wrong.

Bilbo Baggins: all we have is Fat Dwarf and Majestic Dwarf.

Bombur: Oh come on, Thorin isn't _that _fat.

Majestic Thorin: I… no… hey!

**Balin****: Is that... wargs?**


	5. Dwarf-Eating Party

Sincere thanks to those of you who left kind comments, or simply read or followed this story! As always, I don't own anything and I apologise for my delays in posting!

*** 8*** ** * *8* 8 8 88 88**** * **

_A Pack of Wargs__joined the event __Dwarf-Eating Party_

_Fluffy Warg __wrote on the event page: _Is this BYO dwarf?

_Toothy Warg__ replied to __Fluffy Warg__'s post_: Nah man, the dwarves are provided!

_Fluffy Warg: _Awesome!

**Bilbo Baggins: ****I miss my comfortable, warg-free hobbit hole! Escaping goblins to be attacked by wargs!**

**Majestic Thorin: ****Run, you idiots!**

Balin: Agreed!

Gandalf Thegrey: And for Eru's sake, don't forget my Burglar this time!

Dori: Easy for you to say, you never have to carry him!

Bilbo Baggins: Excuse _me, _I can carry myself! I did just find my way out of goblin tunnels despite being dropped, bruised, abandoned, chased, and then losing all my beautiful buttons! I am quite capable, thank you very much, of running away from Orcs!

Gandalf Thegrey: Then get off Facebook and prove it!

_A Pack of Wargs__changed their name to__ A Pack of Very Hungry Wargs_

_Thirteen Dwarves __didn't like this. _

**Bilbo Baggins****: This is terrible! No pocket handkerchief, and no chance of escape!**

Nori: You need to sort out your priorities.

Bilbo Baggins: You're right – I haven't even mentioned supper, and it's past time! This Quest is changing me.

_Bombur __likes this._

Gandalf Thegrey: And yet you're still the same Hobbit you always were.

**Gloin Gimlisdad: ****Oh no! Not trees! I'd rather face the wargs. **

Oin: At least your son will be incredibly impressed by your bravery!

Gloin Gimlisdad: I sincerely hope my little Gimli never has to have anything to do with trees…

_Gandalf Thegrey __sent the Wargs __A fiery pinecone surprise! __using __Unsettling Wizard Gifts _

_Gandalf Thegrey __added 'pyromania' to his interests._

_Gandalf Thegrey __burned the __Chief Warg__'s nose using __Inexplicable Wizard Powers. _

Chief Warg: Oh noes!

_A Large Group of Orcs __joined the event __Dwarf-Eating Party_

_A Large Group of Orcs __changed the event __Dwarf-Eating and/or Slaughtering Party_

_Azog the Pale Orc __joined the event __Dwarf-Eating and/or Slaughtering Party_

_A Large Group of Orcs __wrote on __Azog the Pale Orc__'s wall: _Who are you, and what are you doing here?

_Bofur __changed his name to__ Bofur Behatted_

Fili Thorinsnephew I feel we should be branching out from-

_Gandalf Thegrey__ interrupted __Fili Thorinsnephew__'s pun with __Inexplicable Wizard Powers_

**Ori: ****Anyone else reminded of the last scene of The Hunger Games? With all the wargs surrounding us… **

Bilbo Baggins: The Hunger Games? I don't like the sound of that at all…

Majestic Thorin: I don't think District Shire would have many winning tributes.

Oin: What is everyone talking about?

**Majestic Thorin: ****I shall attack Azog! Revenge for my forefathers!**

_Peter Jackson__ likes this. _

Kili Thorinsnephew: Go, uncle! Use the Force!

Dwalin: That was the most pathetic attack I've ever seen.

Dori: Underwhelmed.

Nori: You can be overwhelmed… and overwhelmed… but can you ever just be 'whelmed?'

Dori: I think you can in Mirkwood.

Fili Thorinsnephew: Maybe you should stick to the book version of our quest, uncle?

Oin: Book version? What is everyone talking about?

_Bilbo Baggins__ just set a new high score in__ Epic! __ *Play Epic!* *Invite your friends*_

**Bilbo Baggins: ****The Eagles are coming!**

_Gandalf Thegrey __likes this _

**Bilbo Baggins: ****nearly dead of hunger… it's been several hours… I knew I should have eaten Gollum when I had the chance.**

**Bilbo Baggins:****feels like a rabbit or a piece of bacon that's been put back on the shelf… something small and edible, anyway**

Giant Eagle: Did you say you're edible?

Bilbo Baggins: I meant… credible, I meant to say credible. Not edible at all.

Bofur: No, you're incredible!

Bilbo Baggins:  and entirely inedible, I assure you.

**Peter Jackson: ****Spoilers ahead for those of you who haven't read the book!**

JRR Tolkien: But the book has been around for decades!

Oin: What book? Who are you? Why does nobody tell me what is going on?

_Thirteen Dwarves __changed the name of the group to __Thirteen Dwarves, One Hobbit and One Wizard_

**Gandalf Thegrey****: Not for much longer, I'm afraid… I'll be leaving you just before Mirkwood. After all, when the going gets tough, the tough mysteriously have other urgent business to attend. **

_Thirteen Dwarves, One Hobbit and One Wizard __updated their location to __Just Outside Beorn's House_

**Gandalf Thegrey: ****Time for another unexpected party**


End file.
